What do you say on a semi-public blog when some things aren't really meant for public knowledge? How do you say the hard things without being misconstrued? How do you express the deepest emotions without giving away the key to the secret garden of your soul?
I feel like I walk this line every day. On one level I have much less profound to talk about because I do physical, grunt labor on a golf course for forty hours a week. I have greatly reduced time for philosophical or spiritual discussions; in fact, it is hard just to keep up with my devotions. On the other hand, this shift in paradigm, from home-mom to working gal, has given me tremendous fodder for thought. Additionally it has instigated changes in our family life that are not all for the good. It has helped reveal some cracks in the foundation, so-to-speak.
So I guess I have put off my blog because I A) only have my "job" to talk about which isn't interesting to much of anybody, or B)the only thing left is some intensely personal thoughts.
So, it is what it is. Mother's Day has come and gone, and my kids were real sweet and took me (and Steve) out for dinner. As a member of the Women's Ministry Neam I was once again partly responsible for pulling off our annual Mother-Daughter Luncheon, and it was amazing. We had a huge turn-out, and a specially-penned song for our special music. A gal in our congregation literally sat down and just wrote this amazing song. It sparked an emotional meltdown the first time I heard it; I heard it two more times, then once again in church on Sunday and I lost it. I lost control of my emotions and had to excuse myself. I don't know how to deal with this except by hitting my kneees and crying out to God, by burying myself in the Word so I have the wisdom and strength I need to get through the day.
It comes to this, today. I am tired. Not as much physically as I was when I first began, although there is that, but emotionally, mentally, spiritually exhausted. I feel alone in my trials, and that is the biggest part. How does one feel alone in a crowd? Alone in a house crowded with men young and middlin'? Well, it happens. Not just to me but to many, many other women out there, enough it might surprise you. Never underestimate the power of loneliness in a woman's life.