Sunday, January 25, 2009

A Harsh Thing to a Dear Friend

Last night around ten o'clock I had a revelation that immediately nauseated me and sickened me in my heart. Months ago a friend asked if I would take photos at their anniversary party, and I said yes, even though I had my reservations about the quality of the finished product. I had it on my calendar, we spoke two days beforehand...and I still forgot. I mean, not even a niggling feeling about having forgotten something important. Not until ten o'clock that night! I am embarrassed to my core, and my basest instincts scream at me to never show my face at church again. I know that is the absolute most immature thing I could do, and I will face the hurt I have caused others, but I know there is nothing I can do to make it up to her; there won't be another 25th anniversary, her family has gone home. I can only apologize from my heart. I know she will forgive me, but I can't say the relationship won't be damaged.

This has always been what I consider my deepest flaw-remembering important dates and appointments. It happens a lot, but usually in batches. It is humbling to the extreme, much like the apostle Paul's renowned thorn in his side. I resolve to never let things like this happen again, but I have to face and accept that I am unreliable. The biggest kicker is that I really, really like to do things for other people, to serve them and make them happy. When I allow things like this to happen it lessens my opportunities because poeple cannot trust me to come through for them.

The thing is, how to I keep from using this as an excuse? How do I refrain from saying "Oh well, I will probably forget anyway so I won't even try." I have to be honest, at this point in time I am really wrestling with wanting to give up all my volunteer duties. I can't fail if I don't participate. Maybe that's why I didn't formally exercise for years, and why I am so inconsistent with my Bible-reading.

The biggest thing here, though, is not my humility. I get regular drenching doses of humiliation. The bigger question for me is "How does this make me more reliant on God?" From where I sit, at this moment, I don't know what that means.

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